Holding It All Together
"I wonder if the one holding together this sky might also be capable of holding together my heart. I wonder if the one making this sky so achingly beautiful might also be working to make my life beautiful, too." ~Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
Lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, the fear would flood my mind, wave after wave of anxiety and dread. I could feel it rising in my throat and by the time it leaked from my eyes my entire body would be hot lava. I could not think clearly, only repetitively - fear on an endless loop in my mind, keeping me immobilized. Terrorized even. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I leave when I should stay? What if I give all this attention to my business and it fails? What if I can't make it and have to move home with my mom (No, really. I had this thought more than once)? What if I am alone the rest of my life? What is going to happen to me?
My fear came from a lot of places; books I had read, things I had been taught as a child, stories other well-intentioned people told me about their job loss or relationship breakup. The fear made sense, I mean who wouldn't be afraid after everything I had lost and in the face of so much uncertainty? And then something interesting happened. On one of those long mornings on my porch watching the neighbor's tree turn its leaves, I remembered. I have never been abandoned - at least not by the Universe.
In all my forty-some years, not once was I left for dead.
In all of my struggles professionally and personally, I had always - and I mean always - come out on the other side. And I hadn't come out with my hair still on fire or licking my wounds. I had come out more alive, more authentic, more full.
For me the key of getting out of that immobilizing fear was remembering to whom I belong. The same Universe that paints the sky after a night of darkness and moves the tides and compels trees to drop their leaves only to compel them to grow then anew months later, wants that same renewal and life for me. And you.